I am finding that most of the texts I read about mindfulness pitch it to users as ultimately resulting in enlightenment, but we as humans are skeptical about religions promising great success. What I am beginning to understand is why they say not to pursue it. Pursuing it makes it an thought or idea for the brain. It makes it a human goal to attain rather than a mindful living. That is why pursuit kills the hope of enlightenment that really shouldn’t exist in the first place.

The message is to just be, but unfortunately that is impossible to “understand”, because when  we try to understand it is impossible to be. Its funny how it all starts to seep in or should I say become apparent as you progress on the path to nothing.

Those perplexing silly things that teachers say have a point, but you can’t express the point. So, the key is to observe the thoughts. Slow them via observation and not via thought. I am slowly seeing it permeate all of my thought processes. I still get angry and resentful and annoyed, but often its with myself. Neither is a good thing, but the fact that I do see it makes it all the more worth it to be “practicing”.

Practicing is just what we say it is. It means being being. Trying to be. Seeing and sensing presence and riding it.

I know. I know. Its all vague and silly sounding, but if you just stay with the fundamentals of knowing, being, and seeing that get repeated to you by one teacher after another, then you will start to “see”. I am just now starting to see more and its quite the relief.

My wife is going through tremendous physical discomfort right now as she is 6 months pregnant and has nausea throughout. She has a tendency to experience a great deal of illness and pain when not pregnant as well and it has in the past aggravated me to a great extent. She has also had bouts with depression as many people do in this world.

Today she had what we would call a hissy fit – twice. She took out on me her hypersensitivity and tendency to get overly stressed about any issue. Her attachment to emotions is very strong and it comes out in a very emotionally violent manner.

When I can see what is happening, I want to engage her. First I want to defend my ego by fighting back against her. Then, I have begun to be able to stay calm and not react to her and I can see her ego rise into an even greater frenzy and getting angrier. I try not to show emotion or reaction in my non-reaction, but I never fail to be amazed at how rapidly she is capable of exploding into venomous anger. My silence accelerates that. If I try to just speak calmly to her at the moment, then that too explodes the situation. I have to allow her to ride it out. but it is I can tell you exceedingly difficult to do.

It’s always been pretty easy for me to move on from my emotions. I should say, easier than it seems to be for most people in my life. I’ve always been able to see that time spent on emotion is wasted. That is not say that I do not have my times of stress, compulsion, addiction, insecurity, etc. etc. etc. I have plenty and still do often, but now that I am more able to see my emotions, it is becoming easier to watch them float away than it was before for me. While this is a tremendously freeing thing to see and develop in life, it also can make it more difficult to interact with others. This is especially true for those I am close too, that are obsessed with their emotions, stress, and thinking and believe they have absolutely no control over any of it. Its difficult to interact without confusing or frustrating them, because it is so much easier to “move along” from our thoughts and emotions.

This has always been a frustrating quality for friends to understand. They feel like you don’t care about the big important emotions and moments that they care about, but in fact it just seemed pointless to waste energy on things I could not changed and/or that had already passed.

Certainly I won’t stifle the awakening, but it throws me off to see that happening. In addition, I find I am telling less white lies and sharing more things off the cuff than i would have previously. Again, in the normal mode of life operation, this can cause problems, but the benefits far outweigh as long as i try to be as compassionate as possible without the normal delusion within which I used to act.

My wife is the person that I am speaking about and tonight we had a moment where it was painfully evident what was happening for me. She has a tendency to turn everything that happens into a BIG problem that is ongoing. We have a 2 year old son and a baby girl on the way and I want them to sense I what they can be if they awaken and so I don’t want the negative influence over their day to day existence, but I “love” my wife and would never consider a different environment for them. So, I guess I will move along from hear and do the best I can in this moment.