Image by Nikita Kashner via Flickr
Sometimes it feels as if I am swimming in a sea of worry. My wife and mother-in-law spend excessive percentages of their lives worrying about anything and everything. One of the complications of a mindful life is those not inclined to a mindful practice become very frustrated with those that do. Being mindful it bothers me less and less that they care, but their point of view is either that I just don’t care or that I am plain crazy not to worry or naive and immature. You can explain conceptually why there is no value in worrying until blue in the face, but until they “see” that a worried moment is a moment lost, they will continue to be worried that you are not worried, which is exactly what the mind wants… any excuse to stray from mindful presence.
So, what can you do about it?
Nothing really. Trying to change someone’s mind is impossible. You may be able to change an opinion, but only they can ultimately see reality. You can be an example of mindful contentment for them, but not much else. Even that would seem pointless, because an example being set is an appeal to the mind. While they mindful presence may see it, it still needs to be ready. Other teachers will tell you that they know when someone is ready, but ready being a time-bound concept would seem to make that less than likely.
So, what to do about my stressed and worried loved ones? Not much. My mother-in-law is the feeder. She seems to almost thrive on creating worry. My wife is good at it too and has begun doing the same to our children. They are 4 and 1.5 years old and I can already see it growing on them. Especially my boy. For them I can only minimize the worry, walk them through why worry is a waste, and be an example.
To some extent I do waste some moments of now worrying about them. That accomplishes nothing of course. This concept that worrying will help you prepare or plan to handle the thing you are worried about is plain silly. Only a clear mind can truly resolve an issue or danger. Only a clear mind can plan effectively.
The key is to see a potential problem and plan if possible for handling it should it arise, but it is never helpful to spend a moment fretting about handling the problem. Accept the moment as it is and then act mindfully and deliberately to a solution.
My wife is constantly worried that my children are going to choke to death. It is fine to prevent them from choking by cutting their food up when they have fewer teeth, but you aren’t doing them any good if you continue to do that and they don’t learn how to cut their own food, bite what they need, or chew properly.
The other downside to worry or panic is that everything you do becomes much less effective, because you worry or panic. Your mind is filled with thoughts of stress or what if and you can not mindfully handle the problem or situation.
When my daughter was younger we all went to the beach together. Despite my wife having cut up her bites to a “safe” size, she choked and it was obvious she could not breath. My wife froze completely as did my Mother-in-law a nurse for 25 years with looks of panic on their face. I was able to apply the techniques I’d learned for infant choking in a calm manner and my daughter was fine. That’s not to say they would not have eventually done the same thing, but their worried minds that are supposed to help and prepare them for the bad things in life actually endangered my daughter’s life. There is never value in worry and it usually is a detriment. Science has already made clear to us that worry and stress are killing us. Why feed the beast?
One of my wife’s worries is that she will die first and I will be able to just go on with my life. Inherent in her worry is that somehow she will not be honored in her death and that somehow I love her less than she loves me. This is one of those worries that make me want to laugh. She knows that I will grieve and will mourn the loss of her in my life, but somehow she wants to have her existence validated in death by me not being able to function after she dies…. She of course would be dead and unable to care what I think or do about her death or even be able to get some ego level satisfaction from whatever level of grief I express. Grin…
Less worry seems to have come naturally to me later in life. It drove my first wife crazy too. Ultimately all you need to know is that you will never accomplish anything through worry and stress. At those moments when you feel stress arising within you, look at the feeling. Feel the temperature of your body rising, feel the sweat in your palms and watch the thoughts that follow with love, acceptance, and a smile of cute awareness. Then repeat to yourself “breathing in, I accept this moment exactly as it is and breathing out I am happy”. Keep repeating this until you can see the worry dissipate. Try to do this every time and you’ll live longer, happier, and ultimately a mindful life.
